Leave God off the guest list and you can celebrate your love with the people, ideas and songs you care about most. Here’s how to put on a good show
Words: Tobias Gourlay
There was a time when tying the knot outside the Lord’s house meant a trip to a register office. A council employee would read out the requisite legal document to you and your chosen one in a ‘dignified’ monotone.
Thank God (or not) things have changed. With that bloke in the polyester formal wear exiting stage left, the absence of the Almighty is now an opportunity for happy couples to take the spotlight at a much more jocular occasion.
‘Like all good theatre, a ceremony needs to capture the audience’s imagination,’ says Chris Edwards, a British Humanist Association (BHA) celebrant, who has replaced the vicar at more than 40 non-religious couplings. This has involved overseeing Frenchmen donning kilts, seven-way handfasting rituals, a Japanese rice-wine ceremony with tequila slammers, and a 96 year old delivering a showstopping speech about passionate love.
Power to the people
Humanist ceremonies are not legally binding in England and Wales – for now, you’ll have to go to Scotland if you want that box ticked at the same time. However, BHA celebrants are professionally trained and regulated, and – in Edwards’ case at least – aim to deliver events with ‘both humour and gravitas’. Check out the UK Society of Celebrants as a source of seasoned wedding practitioners with a bit of stage presence.
The traditional format – a procession, followed by reading, song, vows, rings, blessing, recession – works because it has a clearly defined beginning, middle and end. Whatever your setting (and whatever your views on Jerusalem and 1 Corinthians 13), it’s a good place to start. Break things down into five-minute chunks, don’t let it run to more than half an hour and you’ll have a blueprint for success.
Beyond that, theme, content and – best of all – venue are all down to you. Remember: what follows here are merely suggestions. There are no longer any rules.
Where to pair
Back gardens, beaches, mountaintops – they’re free, special and totally allowed.
But what if the image running around your head still has one of God’s houses as its centre piece? And you haven’t quite got the commitment to spend the next 26 Sunday mornings martyring your knees on cold stone floors in supplication to the big man?
You need a deconsecrated church. And, from Grade I-listed St Stephen’s Rosslyn Hill on the way to Hampstead Heath (‘mighty’ in the words of its Victorian architect) to the Dutch Centre near Liverpool Street, London has options.
Highbury & Islington has the Nave, which retains the soaring acoustics and ambience of its former life. Into zone 1 and, moments from Regent’s Park, there’s neo-classical One Marylebone, refurbished to Sir John Soane’s original 1826 designs that celebrate victory over Napoleon.
If the word ‘riverside’ gets you giddy, check out the Garden Museum by Lambeth Palace, which is available until October (when it’ll close for redevelopment).
Change your tune
Here comes the bride, but, hang on, what’s that on the stereo?
While you may have given Him upstairs the heave-ho, many of you still want to be walked up the aisle by your proud pop.
It’s a nice touch and, when God is not your DJ, you’re not restricted to the organ. Grand pianos and string quartets are all popular choices, according to ITA*‘s dedicated weddings co-ordinator Jodie Martin.
Wagner’s Bridal Chorus isn’t out of the question – it has more to do with paganism than any modern religion – but, in the spirit of total freedom, you might fancy something a little bit different.
In which case, the Bee Gees should be your guiding light. Tempo is crucial for processional music and, at 103 bpm, ‘Stayin’ Alive’ was laid down with John Travolta’s New York street strut in mind. That said, ‘I’m a woman’s man’ is not the most bridal lyric we’ve heard. ‘Little Green Bag’ – of the famous walking scenes in Reservoir Dogs – is another with perfect tempo.
Flip reverse it
Instead of standing at the altar, with your back to everyone, you and your fella can now pivot 180 degrees and create a closer bond with those chosen few. All the better to soak up acclaim as the stars of the show.
And do keep your exalted status in mind from the get go: if you’ve got a live one, your celebrant might get a little too keen to extol the virtues of humanism – at the expense of some of your more personal qualities. Keep them on a short leash and remember that you have final sign-off on every last word.
Light Readings
The Bible has gone out the stained-glass window so choose whatever melts your butter – just keep it short and go easy on the cheese (suggestions below). Anything with a rhyme is probably a crime, and even the choicest bit of Shelley will only keep the backbenchers off Facebook for three or four minutes.
Don’t be afraid to leaven proceedings with a bit of humour at this point – seriously, check out that box – or drop the reading altogether for something more theatrical. Edwards has seen swordsmen before now, but you don’t have to get that radical. If your audience has got talent, some sort of
musical recital could hit the spot.
With this ring...
This is the important bit, so writing your own script makes total sense. Because who knows you and your relationship better? With a little polish from your celebrant, this is a tried and tested route to a true-hearted set of vows whose words will still be ringing in your ears five, 10, even 20 years down the line.
Beyond the Bible
The good book is off limits, so you can’t use the one about faith, hope and love. These are some alternative words to live by…
The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.’ Carl Sagan, Cosmos
A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.’ Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan
We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.’ Richard Dawkins, Unweaving the Rainbow
“People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”’ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away!’ Dr Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Weird weddings
Conjugal customs from around the world
Wooden performance
Unified Germany likes unified couples. The husband and wife’s first public job is to saw a big log in half.
Smash it up
Rumours that a ‘compensation culture’ has put paid to the Greek tradition of plate smashing are greatly exaggerated. Bestowing a bit of good luck on the newly weds is far too important for that.
Ringing endorsement
The groom’s mum gets the party started in Guatemala by smashing a white bell full of symbolic things like flour and rice.
Family fun
Come the big day, relatives of Indian brides have a crucial job to do. Steal the groom’s shoes and hold him to ransom for their safe return.
Tie a knot in it
Once the deed is done, Indonesian couples are housebound for three days and not allowed to use the toilet. Perhaps that’s the secret to a happy marriage you’ve been searching for.
Seal of approval
It gets worse in Kenya for Masai brides, who are ritually spat on by their fathers. Rather generously, they count it as a blessing.
Dance yourself rich
In Poland, the better half is set to work immediately, dancing for the money that will pay for a honeymoon.
Drinking game
Romanian wedding parties go a bit further, staging full mock-ups of the bride’s kidnapping. Ransoms tend to start with a bottle of whisky or two.
This article was first published in Square Meal Weddings, 2015